Intentional Identity Design: Exploring Pillar 3 - Identity in Action

How Our Choices, Behaviors, and Responses Reveal and Shape Who We Are

May 01, 2025

You don’t discover who you are by thinking about it. You discover it by watching what you do.

You might say you value the truth, but do you stay quiet when your boss crosses the line? You say you believe in growth, but do you avoid hard conversations or shrink when challenged?

Identity isn't found in our speeches, our discussions, our journals, or even our values. It's revealed in how we respond, especially when the stakes are high and the moment is real. The mirror isn't what we say we do, it's how we behave.

Take, for instance, the notorious example of Enron. Its top executives celebrated transparency and stakeholder trust in the public arena. But behind closed doors, they made decisions that prioritized personal gain over their integrity. This led to one of the most infamous corporate downfalls in history. What they portrayed themselves to be wasn’t who they were. Their actions told something completely different. Something, that was actually the real truth.

Actions are where Pillar 3 (Identity in Action) of the Intentional Identity Design Framework lives. Not in the stories we tell ourselves, but in the decisions we make. Identity isn’t static. It’s a series of choices.

In this article, we’ll explore how our Identity is expressed through interactions, decisions, and the meaning we assign after the fact. Because what we do — consistently, under pressure, and without overthinking — is often the most honest version of who we are.

But before we begin, let's recap what we have already covered in the Intentional Identity Design Framework series.

Intentional Identity Design Series Recap

Three weeks back, we started with a foundational question: "How to unpack our identity?"

I introduced the Intentional Identity Design Framework. It is built on a fundamentally simple but powerful idea: identity isn’t something we find, it’s something we shape. It unfolds in layers — what defines us (pillar 1), what drives us (pillar 2), how we show up in the world (pillar 3), and the underlying cross-cutting forces that affect all three pillars.

Here is how I have imagined it:

In the article Pillar 1: Defining Elements of Identity, we dissected the internal building blocks — our desires, values, contexts, and personality traits. It’s where the groundwork of identity begins.

Then, last week, in the article on Pillar 2: Inner Foundation of Identity, we zoomed into what fuels the foundation. The beliefs, mindset, emotional patterns, and self-talk that silently steer our choices. These are the backstage mechanics of identity: often invisible, but always in play. And, more crucially, this pillar revealed that our internal world can be redesigned — not overnight obviously :), but with awareness and deliberate effort.

This brings us to Pillar 3: Identity in Action. This is where theory meets real life. It’s how our inner self manifests externally. The part no one can fake. Because when the moment demands a decision — not a belief, not a journal entry, not a mission statement — your identity gets expressed through action.

So, what do these Pillar 3 elements look like? Let's find out.

Exploring the Pillar 3: Identity in Action - How Do We Really Show Up?

Pillar 3 is the bridge that connects our inner world (Pillar 1: Defining Elements of Identity & Pillar 2: Inner Foundation of Identity) to our outer reality. It's the pillar of expression, embodiment, and behavior. It's not just thinking about who we are or feeling a certain way; it’s about doing.

Pillar 3 is how our identity shows up through our tangible choices, everyday actions, the words we speak (or don't speak), the habits we keep, and crucially, how we respond when life throws us a curveball.

Pillar 3 is also the critical choice point. In any given instance, are we letting our automatic System 1 response run the show? Or do we consciously engage our analytical System 2 thinking to make an intentional response (hello, IRT!) — choosing a behavior that closely aligns with the (Pillar 1) identity we want to pursue?

A Small Aside: For brand-new readers, here are a few terms to know that will help you follow along with the explanation of the elements:

Note: Regular readers can skip ahead :)

System 1 thinking: Fast, automatic, instinctive part of the brain.
System 2 thinking: Slow, deliberate, analytical part of the brain.
FoRC analysis framework: A tool to break down a topic like mindset into its Formation Loop/Reinforcement Loop, Recognition of the need for change, and Laws of Change.
Intentional Response Theory (IRT): Recognizing our automatic System 1 responses are not serving us and having the awareness to engage System 2 thinking to override our automatic System 1 responses.

The article continues below.

So, let's break this Pillar 3 down into its vital aspects. As we go through these, notice how they often reflect a palpable tension between our automatic defaults and conscious desires.

Habits & Routines
- These are the recurring, often automatic, behaviors that structure our days, weeks, and lives. From how you start your morning to how you unwind at night, these loops powerfully shape who you are becoming.
- For instance, automatically scrolling social media vs. intentionally reading a book; hitting the gym consistently vs. hitting the snooze button.
- Question to reflect on: Think about your typical weekday. What's one ingrained habit that undoubtedly supports the person you want to be and one that perhaps undermines it?
- Big picture connection: Habits are deeply ingrained System 1 patterns, frequently driven by Pillar 2 beliefs or comfort-seeking responses linked to Dynamic Layer forces (like avoiding discomfort/Fear). They may conflict with our Pillar 1 aspirations (e.g., wanting to be healthy but habitually reaching for snacks). Changing them requires consciously unpacking them via FoRC and then overriding them via new System 2 choices repeatedly until they become the new automatic. This is a core arena for practicing the Intentional Response Theory.
Intentional Behaviors
- These are the moments you consciously choose an action, especially one that goes against your usual grain or automatic impulse. It's deliberately acting 'as if' you are the person you want to become.
- For instance, speaking up in a meeting when your default is silence; choosing vulnerability when your pattern is to withdraw; setting a boundary when you usually people-please.
- Question to reflect on: Can you recall one specific instance this past week where you consciously acted differently than your 'usual self' in a challenging moment?
- Big picture connection: This is the Intentional Response Theory in practice. It represents a conscious System 2 choice actively overriding a competing System 1 impulse (which likely stemmed from Pillar 2 beliefs or Dynamic Layer forces like Fear). It often feels effortful initially.
Embodied Presence:
- How your identity manifests physically and non-verbally. It's your posture, energy level, tone of voice, eye contact, and overall physical demeanor. Does your body language convey confidence, openness, anxiety, guardedness?
- For instance, standing tall and making eye contact vs. hunching shoulders and avoiding gaze; speaking with a clear, resonant voice vs. a hesitant whisper.
- Question to reflect on: Pay attention to your posture right now. What might it be communicating about your current internal state?
- Big picture connection: Our physical state is often an unconscious System 1 reflection of our Pillar 2 beliefs/emotions and Dynamic Layer influences (e.g., insecurity causing slumping). However, we can intentionally engage System 2 awareness to consciously shift our posture, breathing, or energy levels to align with our desired Pillar 1 self-image (e.g., adopting a confident stance).
Communication Patterns:
- Your characteristic way of expressing yourself and interacting verbally (and non-verbally). Are you typically direct, passive, aggressive, assertive, authentic, guarded, overly explanatory?
- For instance, automatically deflecting compliments vs. accepting them graciously; habitually complaining vs. expressing needs constructively.
- Question to reflect on: When you need to express a difficult opinion or feeling, what is your typical communication approach?
- Big picture connection: Our automatic System 1 communication styles (passive, aggressive, etc.) are typically outward expressions of Pillar 2 beliefs (e.g., "My voice doesn't matter") and Dynamic Layer forces (e.g., Fear of conflict, Ego defensiveness). Achieving intentional communication aligned with our Pillar 1 desired self-image (e.g., assertive, authentic) requires applying IRT to recognize the System 1 impulse and using System 2 to choose a different verbal or non-verbal response.
Handling Conflicts:
- How do you characteristically navigate disagreements, differing opinions, or interpersonal tension? Do you avoid, accommodate, compete, compromise, or collaborate?
- For instance, shutting down and withdrawing vs. staying present and seeking understanding; immediately getting defensive vs. listening curiously.
- Question to reflect on: What's your gut reaction or first impulse when someone disagrees strongly with you?
- Big picture connection: Conflict triggers strong System 1 responses (fight, flight, freeze) often rooted in deep Pillar 2 beliefs about safety/threat and amplified by Dynamic Layer forces (Fear, Ego, Attachment Patterns). Engaging constructively requires significant IRT application: using System 2 awareness to regulate the System 1 reactivity and choose behaviors aligned with Pillar 1 values (like respect or collaboration). Understanding the deep formation of the System 1 pattern via FoRC is often critical.
Relationships (Relational Patterns):
- How your identity consistently shows up in your close relationships – patterns around setting boundaries, expressing needs, vulnerability, trust, seeking validation, attachment styles.
- For instance, a pattern of over-giving and neglecting personal needs vs. maintaining healthy, reciprocal dynamics; avoiding deep connection vs. fostering intimacy.
- Question to reflect on: In your closest relationships, how easy or difficult is it for you to state your needs or set boundaries clearly?
- Big picture connection: The ingrained System 1 relational patterns (e.g., people-pleasing, avoidance, anxious attachment behaviors) are often direct consequences of Pillar 2 core beliefs and Dynamic Layer forces (especially Attachment Patterns, Shame, Fear). Shifting towards healthier relations aligned with Pillar 1 values (e.g., mutual respect, authenticity) involves using IRT to recognize and modify specific automatic behaviors in interactions via System 2 engagement. FoRC is also key to understanding the deep origins of these often life-long patterns.
Decision-Making Style:
- How do you typically make choices, big or small? Is it primarily reactive, driven by immediate fear, comfort, or external pressure? Or is it increasingly intentional, guided by your conscious values (Pillar 1) and deeper purpose (Pillar 2)?
- For instance, accepting a job offer out of fear of scarcity vs. evaluating it against your core values using a deliberate process. Saying 'yes' automatically vs. pausing to consider alignment.
- Question to reflect on: Think of a recent decision (even a small one). What was the primary feeling or thought driving that choice? Was it more automatic impulse or conscious consideration?
- Big picture connection: Default decision-making is often a reactive System 1 process influenced by Pillar 2 (Mindset, Beliefs about risk) and Dynamic Layer forces (Fear of missing out, Ego). Intentional, value-aligned decision-making requires pausing the System 1 impulse and engaging System 2 analysis, consciously evaluating options against Pillar 1 values and desires. FoRC can analyze patterns of habitual poor decision-making rooted in Pillar 2/Dynamic Layer Forces.
Response Under Pressure:
- How does your identity manifest when the stakes are high, stress is intense, or you feel threatened or challenged? Do you crumble, lash out, freeze, or rise to the occasion with focused calm?
- For instance, panicking and making rash decisions vs. taking a breath and thinking clearly; blaming others vs. taking responsibility.
- Question to reflect on: Think back to a recent highly stressful situation. What was your dominant behavioral tendency?
- Big picture connection: High-pressure situations magnify System 1 tendencies. Our default reaction (panic, blame, freeze) reveals the underlying strength (or weakness) of our Pillar 2 foundation and the influence of Dynamic Layer forces (especially Fear). Responding effectively requires using System 2 self-regulation and conscious choice to override the intense System 1 impulses.
Integration & Growth Post-Failure:
- It’s not just about making mistakes (we all do!), but what you do afterward. Do you consciously process setbacks, extract lessons, and adapt your approach? Or do you get stuck in rumination, blame, or avoidance?
- For instance, brushing off failure vs. analyzing what went wrong and adjusting; beating yourself up vs. practicing self-compassion and learning.
- Question to reflect on: After experiencing a significant setback recently, what was your process for moving forward? Did you consciously try to learn from it?
- Big picture connection: The automatic System 1 reaction to failure is often defensive (blame, denial, rumination), driven by Pillar 2 (Fixed Mindset) or Dynamic Layer forces (Ego protection, Shame). Intentional growth requires engaging System 2 reflection overriding the System 1 defensiveness to analyze the failure, extract lessons, and adapt behavior, aligning with Pillar 1 goals like learning or resilience.

Connecting Pillar 3 to the Bigger Picture

Pillar 3 is where it all comes together:

It's the Output: Think of Pillar 3 behaviors as the result of your Pillar 1 intentions being filtered through your Pillar 2 programming, all while being nudged and shaped by the Underlying Dynamic Forces.
It Reinforces: Crucially, the actions you take in Pillar 3 feed back into the system. Consistently acting with courage can slowly reshape a limiting belief about your capability (Pillar 2) and bolster a confident self-image (Pillar 1). It's a dynamic loop!
Intentional Response Theory is Central: Again, IRT is the active, conscious process used within Pillar 3 to bridge the gap between the desired Pillar 1 blueprint and the automatic Pillar 2 foundation.

Your Turn: Observing Your Actions

Alright, let's make this practical. Try to be a curious but non-judgemental observer of your action :)

For the next 24 hours, see if you can spot just one instance where your behavior (how you spoke, decided, reacted) felt slightly out of sync with the person you want to be (your Pillar 1 definition or aspiration). Don't analyze it deeply yet, just notice the action and the situation. What did you do?

This simple act of observation is step one in cultivating the awareness needed for intentional change.

Wrapping Up & What's Next: The Hidden Influences

Pillar 3 is where identity gets real. It’s the dynamic stage where our internal world meets external reality, revealed through our actions, choices, and responses. It’s the critical arena where we practice intentionality, turning abstract goals into lived experience.

We’ve now explored the blueprint (Pillar 1), the foundation (Pillar 2), and the resulting structure in action (Pillar 3). But there’s one more crucial layer to our map – the invisible currents, the environmental factors, the deep-seated drivers that influence everything else.

Next time, in the final part of our core framework exploration, we dive into the Dynamic Layer: Underlying Forces Influencing Identity. We'll explore those pivotal factors like Ego, Fear, Shame, Social Conditioning, Cognitive Biases, and even Curiosity. We’ll be seeing how they weave through all three pillars, sometimes helping, sometimes hindering our journey toward becoming who we truly want to be.

That’s all for this week. If seeing your identity in action sparked some insights, feel free to share! And if you’re not yet subscribed, come aboard!

Stay genuine! Stay authentic!

Nik Pathran

PS: I appreciate you reading. Thanks to the new subscribers!