Wisdom Memo #04: Don't Just Succeed in Public—Fail in Public Too
What happens when you do Fail in Public?
Why have we evolved as a society only to showcase our successes and hide our failures? Social Media would make you believe everyone around you is stumbling into success after success. I know the algorithm plays a part in it. It exposes you just to the accounts that are succeeding. But, ask yourself, haven't you always portrayed or at least tried to portray an image of a successful person on Social Media? Even though, deep down, you know everyone is dealing with self-doubt. But we still insist on portraying that perfect image. Why is that our natural inclination?
The obvious answer is we fear failing in public. But what exactly is it beneath the surface masquerading as this fear? It's avoiding the discomfort of vulnerability, the fear of coming across as incompetent in the face of struggles, and the fear of humiliation due to public missteps.
These fears are more than real. But what's also true is we turn them into monsters. Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Husted Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky coined the term "Spotlight Effect1" in the late 1990s. The spotlight effect is our tendency to believe that we are constantly being observed and judged by others much more than we actually are. The research findings showed that the "Spotlight Effect" exaggerates the feelings of social anxiety and self-consciousness. We feel overly scrutinized in social situations, leading to avoidance behavior. The heightened awareness affects us as we believe others are observing us closely. It hinders our authentic self-expression and spontaneity. But, as per the research, it turns out that most people are just way too busy to pay much attention to you.
Even though we understand those fears, moving past them could still be difficult. And everyone deals with them at their own pace. But what will happen if you move past those fears and decide to fail in public? The rewards will be far greater than the discomfort. Here are a few surprising outcomes that could happen:
1. You will reach your goals faster because you will be judged.
Failing in public will be painful and scary. You will publically acknowledge that you don't have all the answers. You will feel that your incompetence is on full display. You'll be judged. But when you put your failure out in public, people are more inclined to offer genuine advice and support. All sorts of feedback will follow. And, this will speed up the learning process. You'll find solutions that could never have been on your radar. And, it will show you paths that you would never have explored otherwise going at it in private.. Ultimately, you'll reach where you want to go faster.
2. You will open doors to deeper connections and unexpected opportunities because you will show vulnerability.
Connecting with others is the fundamental aspect of human experience. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. That's how our neurobiology just is. But for us to have deep connections, we've to allow our vulnerability to be seen. Not just seen, but well, and truly seen.
And when you will give yourself permission to fail in public, you will invest in something without guarantees. There is nothing more vulnerable than that. Genuine people will show up in your life. And genuine connections with unexpected opportunities will follow. But you'll have to be proactive in asking for help because asking for help is a way of showing your vulnerability. It's letting others know you don't know all the solutions.
We don't build trust when we offer help. We build trust when we ask for it.
3. You will inspire others because you will show your struggles.
The path to success is very rarely a straight line. But, we still insist on portraying the perfect image on social media. We never share our struggles because they highlight our incompetencies and areas we are not adept at.
When you embrace vulnerability and share your struggles and failures, it makes you human and relatable rather than an enigma. You become an authentic source of inspiration for others. You will show that failures are not the end of the road but just a mere part of the journey. You'll empower others to gather the courage to explore their journey.
4. You will build resilience because you will normalize failure.
Once you start sharing your journey of struggles, you'll realize that public failures are not the monster you perceive them to be. With each public misstep, your inhibitions will melt away. You will build resilience and grit over time.
Now the next obvious question in your mind would be, “How exactly am I supposed to fail in public?” So here are just two tips:
Tip #01: Be transparent about your journey.
Share your journey as it unfolds, not after you've "figured everything out". Be it learning a new skill, starting a new business, or working on a new project, invite people in during the process rather than showcasing the polished outcome. It will surely make you uncomfortable, but it will also make you relatable and open up opportunities for feedback and advice.
Tip #02: Start small with the vulnerability.
You don't have to go all in by sharing your biggest failures right away. Take it step by step. Begin by sharing small challenges and struggles. Talk about the things you are learning, small setbacks you have encountered, or any new project you are experimenting with. This allows you to dip your toes in experiencing vulnerability rather than facing an avalanche which will make you feel completely exposed.
So, the next time you're tempted to curate that perfect image, remember sharing your struggles will make you way more authentic. And success isn't about just highlighting the outcomes. It's about owning every part of the journey, including the setbacks, failures, and struggles.
That's all for this week's Wisdom Memo. Catch you in the next one.
Stay genuine. Stay authentic.
Nik
PS: I appreciate you reading this. Thanks to the new subscribers!
Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Husted Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky (2000). The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment: An Egocentric Bias in Estimates of the Salience of One's Own Actions and Appearance Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 78, No. 2, 211-222