Wisdom Memo #03: Envy isn't the enemy you think it is

Others' success can teach you a thing or two about your journey

I tuned out LinkedIn quite a while ago. Most of my LinkedIn feed (I'd rather bet it was all) was, and still is, filled with people getting a promotion, starting a new startup, completing a certification course, starting a new position, and yadda yadda yadda. You get the idea. Right!

I often received a LinkedIn notification on someone's success, and it would ruin at least half of my day. It reached a point when I had to sit down and confront this feeling of envy gnawing at me. "Why do I have these feelings? After all, I know all these people in my life. And for all intents and purposes, I want them to succeed. Then why do I feel this way? Why indeed?" It became clear that -

Constant comparison is a losing game with ever-shifting goalposts. There will always be someone with more or different achievements. The real problem isn't their success—it's the trap of trying to measure up to arbitrary standards.

The sting of envy is intense, and it often begins with comparison. In 1954, Leon Festinger proposed the Social Comparison Theory. It suggests that we have an innate drive, consciously or subconsciously, to evaluate our abilities, status, and accomplishments by comparing ourselves with others in our lives. It goes on to say that this comparison is essential for grasping our standing in the Social Context.

I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. No one ever compares themselves to someone else and comes out even. Nine times out of ten, we compare ourselves to people who are somehow better than us and end up feeling more inadequate.

Jack Canfield

As per the social comparison theory, there are two ways in which we make this comparison. Upward comparison is when we compare ourselves to others we perceive as better or more skilled. As you might have guessed, this leads to feelings of inadequacy. But it comes with a caveat. If we perceive others' success as attainable, something unique happens. We become motivated to improve our standing in the comparison. The second way of comparing is a Downward comparison, the opposite of the Upward comparison. It enhances our self-esteem and provides a sense of relief or superiority. The Upward comparison is the point of interest here as it generates the feeling of envy. I realized that -

Envy is a spotlight on your deepest desires. It reveals the gaps between where you are and where you want to be. It's pointing towards what matters to you.

Envy isn't about others. It's about you. You experience envy primarily when you feel you lack someone's abilities, achievements, or possessions. And you desire it for yourself. What I learned is that envy seems straightforward or benign on the surface. But underneath, it's a pretty complex emotion. What manifests as envy often masks deeper feelings.

In my case, it was partially a sense of regret for missed opportunities. I chose to be an entrepreneur just three years after graduating. I crashed and burned. In hindsight, I feel, I could have stuck to a traditional corporate job a little longer and gained more experience. At least, that’s what my sister thinks. I know what you're thinking right now. A lot of graduates, even dropouts, have succeeded as entrepreneurs. But what I realized was that the default outcome for a startup is a failure. And those who succeed have got a combination of factors going for them. A combination that I lacked. So, I could have been a bit more prudent in my approach. It brings me to the next point.

You don't feel envy because others succeed but because you fear falling behind. You're not jealous of their achievements. You are anxious about your progress. But growth never happens without embracing others' successes as possibilities for yourself.

I often ask myself- had I succeeded, what would have been different? (Mind you, I'm still planning on succeeding as an entrepreneur ;)) Would I be less anxious about my progress? Maybe. Would I feel differently about the success of my friends as entrepreneurs? Yes, I would have viewed their success as the norm, not as something rare but still possible. This brings me to the idea of Luck.  

Envy can sometimes be rooted in a feeling that life is unfair. And this can lead to resentment.

A bit of a humble brag - to say I was a child prodigy would be an understatement. I can't remember not being good at something.

My father was in the Indian Air Force. That had an evident influence on me. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I grew up. I still remember the day that dream came crashing down. I was in 8th standard. My school had scheduled our yearly medical. The doctor asked me to read numbers from a book. It was the first time in my life that I came across the Ishihara Color Blindness test. "There are no numbers here, just colors," I said. It seemed to pique the doctor's interest. He was scribbling something on the record sheet with his head down. He looked up and said, "All your friends read the numbers in this book." I half-heartedly smiled and said, "You're joking. Right?" At this point, I had his full attention. He sat me down next to him and placed the book in front. And then he did a thorough check. It turned out I had partial color blindness. I could read some but not all numbers in that book. It's something you are born with. And it's needless to say, partial color-blind people can't be pilots. I learned a pretty valuable lesson that day.

There is your plan, and then there is Fate's plan. You can curse, you can cry, you can complain, or you make peace with it. Because, in the end, you play the hand Life deals you, not the hand you expect to be dealt. So, embrace the unexpected and march on.

And before you ask, yes, I have friends who are fighter pilots. And here's how I learned not to envy them -

Life's perceived unfairness is neither good nor bad—it simply is. Fixating on others' Luck keeps you in a victim mindset. It paralyzes your ability to take action. The trick is to focus on your response to events rather than lamenting their occurrence.

Life's "unfairness" often tends to balance out over time. What looks like a disadvantage in the present moment could be an advantage in the future. Your journey is a marathon, not a sprint. The temporary setback you seem so fixated on doesn't define your ultimate success.

There’s an old Taoist story called "Sāi Wēng Lost His Horse" that comes to my mind. It goes something like this:

Once, a poor Chinese farmer lost his horse. The neighbors, naturally, came by to offer their condolences: “That’s terrible!” they said. But the farmer, in no hurry to label the event as bad or good, shrugged and said, “Maybe.”

A few days later, the horse returned, but it didn’t come back alone—it brought a wild horse along. The neighbors rushed over again, now with a different tune: “That’s amazing luck!” But once again, the farmer replied, with his familiar, “Maybe.”

The next day, the farmer’s son tried to tame the wild horse. It didn’t go well—he fell off and broke his leg. Again, the neighbors came around, only this time shaking their heads, saying, “That’s awful.” But the farmer was unfazed. His response? “Maybe.”

Not long after, the emperor of China declared war, drafting every able-bodied man to fight. Many of them were killed or severely injured. But because the farmer’s son had broken his leg, he was spared from the draft. And once again, the neighbors appeared at his door: “You’re so lucky your son wasn’t taken to war.” And the farmer, like clockwork, replied, “Maybe.”

In China, this story is often used to remind people that when something bad happens, it might just have a silver lining. The takeaway is -

Everyone faces hidden struggles, even those you envy. The "unfairness" you perceive might be balancing hardships that you can't see. Labeling others as "just lucky" dismisses their struggles and diminishes their achievements. It also robs you of valuable lessons. Seek to understand the full story behind others' success. It might just be the antidote you need for your journey.

This brings us to the final point:

We might as well just celebrate others' success. Genuinely! Whole-heartedly!

---

That's all for this week's Wisdom Memo. Catch you in the next one.

Stay genuine. Stay authentic.

Nik

---

PS: Another embarrassingly honest confession - this also happens to me, although not that much, just a little bit, here on substack. I find envy creeping in when I see a post from a writer going viral. Although it's momentary, this feeling of jealousy is there. But, my second usual reaction is happiness for the writer going viral. And the happiness is amplified if it's the writer's first-ever post that has gone viral. :)

I appreciate you reading. Thanks to the new subscribers!

---